I wonder if she wonders why I feverishly type when she is saying nothing of importance, and then stare at her when she says, "Okay, now this is really important."

--J.P. Cratty, during an Instant Message conversation occuring during class, pondering the impression we IM-ers give the professor

For me, punk is about real feelings. It's not about, "Yeah, I am a punk and I'm angry." That's a lot of crap. It's about loving the things that really matter: passion, heart, and soul.

--Joey Ramone

Genius might be described as a supreme capacity for getting its possessors into all kinds of trouble.
--Samuel Butler

In the trunk. With a monkey!
--Country music station 105.5's DJ's response to a co-DJ's question about where her assigned seat in a specific car would be. Because any quote dealing with monkeys is notable. Obviously.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

--George Carlin

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

~*~
This quote is dedicated to my Mums,
to whom I wish much laughter,
as a sign of better days to come. With love.
~*~

I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I did anything. Then one night I had a dream and an angel in black tights came to me and said, you can start anytime now. And then I asked, is this a sign? and the angel started laughing and I woke up. Now, I think the whole world is filled with signs, but if there's no laughter, I know they're not for me.

--Brian Andreas

In honor of my recent blog post regarding the Golden Globes and its attendant gorgeous stars, I thought a few quotes on the subject of beauty and appearance might be in order.


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, though it may be necessary, from time to time, to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
--Miss Piggy

You have to realize that [before] two hours of hair and makeup, even I don't look like Cindy Crawford.
--Cindy Crawford

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
--The Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit

The curve is more powerful than the sword.
--Mae West

People diet because they want the goodies that go with being thin: the dates, the clothes, the instant respect. I just skip the dieting and go straight for the goodies.
--Marilyn Wann

As his family admired a waterfall and the natural beauty, one of the boys said, "I'd love to be fly-fishing right now." Because the best way to appreciate the wilderness is to trick it into stabbing itself in the mouth with fake food, and then suffocating it.

--Recap of an episode of The Amazing Race 8, from TVGasm


"I know what I'm doing," she says, which is probably second on the list of famous last words, right after Custer's "Where'd all these Indians come from?!"

--Recap of an episode of Lost, from TVGasm

I pray for wisdom to understand my mate,
Love to forgive my mate,
And patience for my mate's moods,
Because if I pray for strength,
I'll beat my mate to death.
Amen.

--Found via a well-circulated email of relationship jokes; original source unknown

Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you got to flap your arms and leap, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be colorful and lively.

--Mel Brooks

The Greatest Hits:
The Family Quotations

[NOTE: These are some of our most oft quoted, fondly remembered, heartiest laugh inducing quotes... some may be far less amusing to others than they are to the family, but nonetheless, by popular demand, here are our "Greatest Hits."]

He smashed the bejeebers out of the bug and nonchalantly went about his business.
--Dad, 05-17-1995, recounting Chaz's quick execution of a wayward bug

You really shouldn't take mustard for granted.
--Alex, 06-1995

It was supposed to be a self-portrait, but my head fell off.
--Alex, 11-22-1995, while displaying his art project, which by that time was a large piece of construction paper with a set of shoulders at the bottom... and nothing else.

I don't know a thing about reality.
--Chaz, 08-28-1996

Why would anyone pay 95 cents per minute to call a 900-number opinion poll and then choose the "I don't have an opinion about this subject" option?
--Alex, 11-24-1996

That's the fun part about knowing me--you never know what I'm gonna do!
--Grandma, 12-1996

You can feel really good about this, because this has been a really big mistake.
--Mom, 11-11-1997 (she meant to say "success" instead of mistake)

These people are dirty, and they're nasty. Do not make them angry.
--Mom, 06-20-1998, giving Alex some very good advice on social etiquette

In my infinite wisdom, I didn't think to move my underwear.
--Alex, 04-01-1999, after finding his "lost" gameboy underneath a pair of his underwear

I'm afraid I'll get too smart!
--Grandma, explaining why she stopped reading her trivia book

I could say something about this. [long pause] And I will.
--Grandma

It's all fun and games until food winds up on Mary's butt.
--Alex, 08-26-2000, after Dad somehow managed to launch a few kernels of corn, from an ear of corn he was eating, onto Mary's butt as she was sitting beside him

Once upon a time, there were two little boys who were content to play with the crap in their Grandma's closet. But now it doesn't mean diddly-dip to them, and they don't play with nothin'.
--Grandma's "fairy tale" to Chaz and Sam

What is it that you picked out and deemed unworthy to eat?
--Alex, to Chaz, 11-16-2000, after Chaz plucked a mushroom off of his salisbury steak at dinner

Now we'll hang the Canadian.
--Chaz, while decorating the Christmas tree, using poorly chosen words to indicate that he was preparing to hang the ornament of a Canadian mounty

Well, paint me pink and give me to Mary for her birthday.
--Chaz, 12-30-2000, while standing on one leg (like a flamingo)

I am the love chimp.
--Chaz, 02-11-2001

Grandma, reading from Modern Maturity magazine: 'By the age of 50, the average person has walked 75,000 miles.'
Then, speaking to us: Well, it's no wonder my legs are tired!
--03-08-2001

That's kind of affecting my soul. But not enough to do anything about it.
--Alex, 04-08-2001, upon hearing of a really cruel comment a boss made to an employee

I'm going home, going to bed, and not gonna bop it or pull it or any of that crap.
--Grandma, 04-20-2001, after being asked if it was her turn to play the Bop It game

Now don't go write that in your book; you'll never know what on earth you're talking about.
--Grandma, 05-04-2001, while the family was sitting around chatting about all my quotes and how many are from Grandma

Well, that teaches me to ooze.
--John, upon being "scolded" by Monty for ascerbically oozing bitterness

You can never sit in too much syrup.
--Chaz, 07-06-2001, having accidentally sat in syrup

I've never had brains.
--Monty, 07-22-2001, intending to convey that he'd never eaten brain

At work, when someone fucks with you, fuck back. Harder.
--Monty

Old people playing kazoos: you just don't get more entertainment than that.
--Sam, 09-15-2001, while watching the Ossian Days Parade as a local church's kazoo band passed by

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
--quoted by Chaz, original source unknown

Normally, I'm not a white person.
--Grandma, 09-29-2001, intending to convey that she's normally not a person to prefer white cake, as she usually likes chocolate better

I am the only one around here who knows anything.
--Grandma, 03-01-2003

I've been carrying this weight around my whole life. You'd think my body'd be used to it by now.
--Grandma, 05-03-2003, responding to her doctor's suggestion that some of her health complaints may be weight-related

Well, I don't know if that's really a dream... if I was gonna dream, I'd dream about something better than that.
--Grandma, regarding a prior statement that she could "only dream" about running laps around the house to wear out her coffee-induced caffeine buzz

Well, that's how I feel, and now you know that. Now let's play some cards.
--Grandpa, recounting the resolution to a disagreement he once had with a close friend

I find it very refreshing. Ow.
--Patrick, 07-10-2004, while being sprayed with the garden hose

I asked for one piece of clipart related to bowling. A big cat is not related to bowling.
--Sam, 08-05-2004, quoting the comment given to him by his computer teacher

My mom wanted to take a picture of us and I wound up with burrs in my ass.
--Sam

We were hee-hawing at the booby bar, and then wound up in a big donnybrook.
--Collaborative effort of Alex, Grandpa, and Rissa, using "Franktonian" vocabulary introduced by Jilayne ("hee-hawing" and "booby bar") and an Irish term used by Mums ("donnybrook"), 01-14-2006

Nadine, some things struggle when they're in the skillet, and mushroom soup subdues them.

--Grace (Brett Butler), on the tv show Grace Under Fire, explaining to her neighbor why she has 19 cans of mushroom soup in her pantry

On a diet? Pity.

--billboard advertisement for the Encore Cafe in Bloomington, Indiana (and oh-so-appropriate in these days of new years resolutions to lose unrealistic amounts of weight)

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

--Groucho Marx

What you are never changes; who you are never stops changing.

--most recently heard on an episode of CSI; unsure of prior origin

There are, broadly speaking, two kinds of workers in the world: the people who do all the work, and the people who think they do all the work. The latter class is generally the busiest; the former never have time to be busy.

--Stella Benson

People who know how to employ themselves, always find leisure moments, while those who do nothing are forever in a hurry.

--Jeanne-Marie Roland

I'm not smart enough to debate you point-to-point on this, but I have the feeling that about sixty percent of what you say is crap.

--David Letterman, to Bill O'Reilly

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby, because life goes on
You keep carrying that anger; it'll eat you up inside
. . .
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak, and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore

--Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

On the record, my personal view about this is that it's exceedingly rude to suggest group prayers to groups of people including ones whose religious beliefs you don't have specific reason to believe are the same as yours, unless you are in your own home and they are visiting you. I think it's rude to place strangers in the position of discussing their religious beliefs in a setting in which they are essentially asked to take a position -- (1) Participate; (2) Don't. It's just rude. If you want to thank Jesus, why can't you thank Jesus yourself? Why does everyone else have to bow their heads for your prayer to work? You want to pray before a challenge, you have plenty of time. Go. Pray. If you learn through normal conversation that other people are of the same religious persuasion you are, then you can pray along with those people, but the notion of just acting on the assumption that unless they actively object, everyone probably wants to ask Jesus for help with every challenge? That's just mind-bendingly presumptuous. And no, "Say, is it okay if we all pray before the challenge?" is not all right. Prayer is opt-in, not opt-out. Opt-out puts people in precisely the position Brian is in, where they're going to go along whether they mean it or not, and doesn't it kind of dilute your prayer to have people in it who are only going through the motions? Just remember: according to some sources, God kind of wants you to pray in private anyway.

--Recap of Survivor, from Television Without Pity

Please pass the crow.

--Newscaster, the morning after the turbulent 2000 elections and the ensuing "Bush won!"... "No, wait, Gore won!" ... "Oh, wait... Bush won!" fiasco. Thought it was especially appropriate in light of the media's role in the dreadful "miscommunication" in West Virginia.

There's a little bit of good in everybody. They meant well. They're just stupid.

--Grandma, commenting on a rather tacky social faux-pas committed by someone else

She badly needs to abandon the false belief that everyone has equally worthy input. Some people are stupid. Identify them. Tell them not to talk anymore. It's a very good way to "streamline your process."

--Recap of The Apprentice, from Television Without Pity

Now we sit through Shakespeare to recognize the quotations.

--Orson Welles