The Greatest Hits:
The Family Quotations

[NOTE: These are some of our most oft quoted, fondly remembered, heartiest laugh inducing quotes... some may be far less amusing to others than they are to the family, but nonetheless, by popular demand, here are our "Greatest Hits."]

He smashed the bejeebers out of the bug and nonchalantly went about his business.
--Dad, 05-17-1995, recounting Chaz's quick execution of a wayward bug

You really shouldn't take mustard for granted.
--Alex, 06-1995

It was supposed to be a self-portrait, but my head fell off.
--Alex, 11-22-1995, while displaying his art project, which by that time was a large piece of construction paper with a set of shoulders at the bottom... and nothing else.

I don't know a thing about reality.
--Chaz, 08-28-1996

Why would anyone pay 95 cents per minute to call a 900-number opinion poll and then choose the "I don't have an opinion about this subject" option?
--Alex, 11-24-1996

That's the fun part about knowing me--you never know what I'm gonna do!
--Grandma, 12-1996

You can feel really good about this, because this has been a really big mistake.
--Mom, 11-11-1997 (she meant to say "success" instead of mistake)

These people are dirty, and they're nasty. Do not make them angry.
--Mom, 06-20-1998, giving Alex some very good advice on social etiquette

In my infinite wisdom, I didn't think to move my underwear.
--Alex, 04-01-1999, after finding his "lost" gameboy underneath a pair of his underwear

I'm afraid I'll get too smart!
--Grandma, explaining why she stopped reading her trivia book

I could say something about this. [long pause] And I will.
--Grandma

It's all fun and games until food winds up on Mary's butt.
--Alex, 08-26-2000, after Dad somehow managed to launch a few kernels of corn, from an ear of corn he was eating, onto Mary's butt as she was sitting beside him

Once upon a time, there were two little boys who were content to play with the crap in their Grandma's closet. But now it doesn't mean diddly-dip to them, and they don't play with nothin'.
--Grandma's "fairy tale" to Chaz and Sam

What is it that you picked out and deemed unworthy to eat?
--Alex, to Chaz, 11-16-2000, after Chaz plucked a mushroom off of his salisbury steak at dinner

Now we'll hang the Canadian.
--Chaz, while decorating the Christmas tree, using poorly chosen words to indicate that he was preparing to hang the ornament of a Canadian mounty

Well, paint me pink and give me to Mary for her birthday.
--Chaz, 12-30-2000, while standing on one leg (like a flamingo)

I am the love chimp.
--Chaz, 02-11-2001

Grandma, reading from Modern Maturity magazine: 'By the age of 50, the average person has walked 75,000 miles.'
Then, speaking to us: Well, it's no wonder my legs are tired!
--03-08-2001

That's kind of affecting my soul. But not enough to do anything about it.
--Alex, 04-08-2001, upon hearing of a really cruel comment a boss made to an employee

I'm going home, going to bed, and not gonna bop it or pull it or any of that crap.
--Grandma, 04-20-2001, after being asked if it was her turn to play the Bop It game

Now don't go write that in your book; you'll never know what on earth you're talking about.
--Grandma, 05-04-2001, while the family was sitting around chatting about all my quotes and how many are from Grandma

Well, that teaches me to ooze.
--John, upon being "scolded" by Monty for ascerbically oozing bitterness

You can never sit in too much syrup.
--Chaz, 07-06-2001, having accidentally sat in syrup

I've never had brains.
--Monty, 07-22-2001, intending to convey that he'd never eaten brain

At work, when someone fucks with you, fuck back. Harder.
--Monty

Old people playing kazoos: you just don't get more entertainment than that.
--Sam, 09-15-2001, while watching the Ossian Days Parade as a local church's kazoo band passed by

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
--quoted by Chaz, original source unknown

Normally, I'm not a white person.
--Grandma, 09-29-2001, intending to convey that she's normally not a person to prefer white cake, as she usually likes chocolate better

I am the only one around here who knows anything.
--Grandma, 03-01-2003

I've been carrying this weight around my whole life. You'd think my body'd be used to it by now.
--Grandma, 05-03-2003, responding to her doctor's suggestion that some of her health complaints may be weight-related

Well, I don't know if that's really a dream... if I was gonna dream, I'd dream about something better than that.
--Grandma, regarding a prior statement that she could "only dream" about running laps around the house to wear out her coffee-induced caffeine buzz

Well, that's how I feel, and now you know that. Now let's play some cards.
--Grandpa, recounting the resolution to a disagreement he once had with a close friend

I find it very refreshing. Ow.
--Patrick, 07-10-2004, while being sprayed with the garden hose

I asked for one piece of clipart related to bowling. A big cat is not related to bowling.
--Sam, 08-05-2004, quoting the comment given to him by his computer teacher

My mom wanted to take a picture of us and I wound up with burrs in my ass.
--Sam

We were hee-hawing at the booby bar, and then wound up in a big donnybrook.
--Collaborative effort of Alex, Grandpa, and Rissa, using "Franktonian" vocabulary introduced by Jilayne ("hee-hawing" and "booby bar") and an Irish term used by Mums ("donnybrook"), 01-14-2006