It Bears Repeating

I Am Curious George

2008-05-18T09:35:00.001-04:00

I've loved Curious George all my life. First, he is a monkey, and monkeys are inherently fascinating and hip. Second, he is curious. Gets himself into trouble galore, but never because he's truly "naughty," but rather because he is just plain curious. Then again, his curiosity is what makes him lovable and memorable. Without it, he'd just be George, a primate being illegally housed by a rather strange fellow who insists on wearing only yellow. The curiosity makes him an icon.

I wouldn't place myself in "icon" status (yet--I mean, c'mon, I'm not even 30 yet), but I do relate to that little monkey in the boundless curiosity and fascination he had with the world and creatures around him. And I'm in good company, as Frederic Premji at BlogMotivation points out in his 22 Great Quotes On Curiosity.

2008-03-07T06:00:00.002-05:00

It's Friday! That means it's a double-quote day!

The Optimist: "I have no friends, no family, no money, no food, no job, no credit, no luck, no hope, and no future. However, I do have matches, toothpicks, chewing gum, paper clips, rubber bands, shoelaces, and Scotch Tape. Maybe things aren't so bad."

"Never buy two different garments of the same type at the same time, such as two sport shirts. Inevitably, you will like one better than the other and you will choose to wear it every time. The second one will always remain second choice and it will stay in the closet, coming out only occasionally, when you hold it in front of you at arms' length and decide not to wear it. Here's how you handle this problem: Exercise a little discipline at the store and buy just one shirt. Then, if you like it, wait a month and buy another. That's it. Next, I'm gonna work on nuclear proliferation."

[I especially like this quote because it is so true. Whether it's jeans, notepads, hair clips, socks... if I buy more than one, I always end up favoring one of them and using it far more than the other, which means I could've saved the money from the second one and just bought the first, favored one. But there are a few occasions when the second one is the favored one--so then what?]

--George Carlin

2008-03-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back."

--George Carlin

2008-03-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

"Whenever I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies."

--George Carlin

2008-03-04T06:00:00.001-05:00

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.' "

--George Carlin

2008-03-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

"A children's museum sounds like a good idea, but I would imagine it's not easy to breathe inside those little glass cases."

--George Carlin

2008-03-02T13:49:00.003-05:00

This week we will be enjoying the wit and (sometimes questionable) wisdom of George Carlin.

On the topic of parental bumper stickers he'd like to see:
" 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is such that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.' That would be refreshing.
'We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.' A little Marxist, but what's wrong with that?"

2008-01-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

Have you had your Denny Crane / Alan Shore moment today?

Brad Chase: Uh, I think that's my seat.
Alan Shore: Yes, I did see someone's things here. I moved them to a less desirable location.

Brad: I outrank you.
Alan: And I'm such a slut for authority.

Denny Crane: May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one... and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.

Denny: Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost, pretend you've won! Works for our President.

Alan: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Alan: You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die."

Judge Sean O'Byrne: I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.
Denny: Watch it, Judge. We're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.

Denny: Did something happen? ... Was I in the room when it happened?

Sally Heep: Is that fair?
Alan: I don't understand the question.

Denny: Ban red meat--that cannot pass constitutional mustard.
Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster," Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.

Denny: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. He thinks he's Denny Crane."

2007-10-01T09:17:00.000-04:00

Ferrets are for people who can't commit to an animal and they just want something that looks weird.
--Turner, on WBYR 98.9 FM's morning show

2007-05-14T13:55:00.000-04:00

I think the physical presence of scratchable vinyl or unspoolable tapes, or the extremely kitten-vulnerable compact disc, is what gave us -- particularly Metallica -- the idea that sounds are something you can hold in your hand. I think that's why kids don't get intellectual property fighting, because songs don't exist in three dimensions again, which means the argument takes place across a line that's impossible to explain, and results in the parties talking about two different things entirely. As ever, I side with the kids.

--Jacob, in Television Without Pity's American Idol 6: Top 4 Performances Recap

2007-04-29T23:58:00.000-04:00

Bjork is music for people who think they're supposed to like hip, trendy stuff but don't know the first thing about quality music.

--Dan Carlson

2007-04-15T13:29:00.000-04:00

2007-04-12T22:36:00.001-04:00

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.

--John Cage

2007-03-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure about people anymore. They're responsible for some pretty nutty stuff. Individuals I'm crazy about though.

--Berkeley Breathed, cartoonist and creater of Opus (Starbucks "The Way I See It" #199)

2006-10-09T21:12:00.000-04:00

I've heard all the whining, okay? What I haven't heard are results. And until I hear 'em, I'm just talking to a well-connected joke in an Armani suit.

--Sebastian "Shark" Stark (James Woods), Shark

2006-09-11T20:53:00.000-04:00

2006-09-10T21:25:00.000-04:00

To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worthwhile. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.
--Aleister Crowley

2006-09-10T21:23:00.000-04:00

Just goes to show you that there's little correlation between IQ and success in lemonade sales.
--David Gould, contestant from The Apprentice, Season 1

2006-09-10T21:20:00.000-04:00

Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be
Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me...
--KT Tunstall, "Suddenly I See"

2006-08-03T20:42:00.000-04:00

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.
--Robert Frost

2006-07-16T12:21:00.000-04:00

One is happy as a result of one’s own efforts, once one knows of the necessary ingredients of happiness—simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self-denial to a point, love of work, and, above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain.
--George Sand

2006-06-12T06:24:00.000-04:00

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
--Albert Einstein

2006-05-19T12:04:00.000-04:00

Grades don't matter to me as long as I got rhythm.
--Tim Norris, 05/18/2006, at the Black & White Ball

2006-05-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

I like meeting people who think they're better than me. I say to them, "I can tolerate you for as long as I need to." Nobody's better than me.
--Grandma, 05/06/2006, explaining why meeting new and potentially "hoity-toity" people doesn't faze her

2006-05-02T12:29:00.000-04:00

That really takes guts to do that all over the same plate of Eggo waffles!
--Katie Peterson, 05/01/2006, watching The Apprentice (Season 5), commenting on Lee's roaming from room to room and scheming (very successfully!) with each of his three remaining teammates

2006-04-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

The sweetest revenge is success.
--?

2006-04-24T23:55:00.000-04:00

As finals approach and brings with it the urge to outline, make flashcards, and stress about the one-shot-determines-it-all exam at the end of the tracks... I thought a brief quotation tribute to grades was in order.

Grade me... look at me... evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart! GRADE ME!
--Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons episode 2F19, "The PTA Disbands"

So Mr. Hammond said it was fine for me to miss class 'cause I'm already getting an A. So just as you suspected, Mom, I am better than everybody!
--Eric Forman (Topher Grace) on That 70's Show, Episode 27 Season 4, "Love Wisconsin Style"

Should I try to be a straight-A student? If you are, then you think too much.
--Billy Joel, "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me "

2006-04-24T00:22:00.000-04:00

This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry and trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most and then it won't weigh a thing anymore.
--Brian Andreas

2006-04-24T00:19:00.000-04:00

I've never been so grateful for another person's headphones.
--Katie, 09/16/2004, upon seeing someone in a public location with whom she didn't particularly care to chat at that very moment, but noticing that said person was wearing headphones and thus wasn't actually noticing that Katie was there

2006-04-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

The thing is, [your clients] don't need to respect the profession. They just need to respect you.
--Thomas Eisele (Vice President, General Counsel, & Secretary of NIBCO, Inc.), 04/20/2006, on dealing with some clients' perception of lawyers and the legal profession in general

2006-04-20T01:18:00.000-04:00

Dude! Doug totally just threw up on Nelly!
--Nathan Winger, 09/16/2004, in Business Associations class with Professor Huss.

[The Full Explanation: Doug Shaw, seated a couple rows ahead of us, had sort of coughed and leaned toward Jeromy Cannon, whom we nicknamed "Nelly" in reference to the rap artist Nelly's song #1 (because, you know, Jeromy is so totally #1 in our law school class)... and as Doug coughed, Jeromy sort of hopped in his chair over away from Doug, and it really did look like Doug might have almost puked. I have never had to try to hard not to burst out laughing in class as I did after I saw that--and then Nathan excitedly leaned toward me and made the above exclamation, and I had to put my head down on the desk and regain my composure, I was laughing so hard.]

2006-04-20T01:16:00.000-04:00

We're going to party. Or we'll relax with a good amount of gusto.
--Nathan Winger, 08/08/2004, describing his goal to work hard and play hard in the coming semester.

2006-04-19T01:15:00.000-04:00

Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.
--Marilyn Manson

2006-04-16T22:12:00.000-04:00

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
--Jules Renard

2006-04-15T21:45:00.001-04:00

Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.
--Jerome K. Jerome

2006-04-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

Each society believes it is on the knife-edge of knowledge and looks back with pity on peoples of earlier times because of their ignorance. We forget that future generations will look back on us the same way.
--Marilyn Ferguson

2006-04-14T12:03:00.000-04:00

Life is a long lesson in humility.
--James M. Barrie

2006-04-12T00:38:00.000-04:00

I'm not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
--George Carlin

2006-04-11T18:14:00.000-04:00

If you were a [potential] member of a jury, I'd have used a peremptory by now.
--blog commenter "Mythago" in response to another commenter's demand that he be addressed as though he were a member of a jury.

2006-04-11T00:13:00.000-04:00

Two times two is not four. It is nine. Actually, everything is nine except seventeen. Seventeen is actually six.
--George Carlin

2006-04-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

The concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites. . . . What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.
--Martin Luther King, Jr., in a 1967 speech to the Southern Christian Leadership Conference

2006-04-09T22:40:00.000-04:00

The man who wears no masks need never struggle to remember by which face another many remember him.

2006-03-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

Don't get sorry; try to get intelligent!
--Judge Judith Sheindlin's response to a rather dim-witted defendant who said "Sorry" instead of answering her questions

2006-03-30T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am not one of those who in expressing opinion confine themselves to facts.
--Mark Twain

2006-03-30T23:33:00.000-05:00

How is that even possible?!!
--Nathan's retort to my jest that he "knows absolutely nothing"

2006-03-21T10:12:00.000-05:00

We had to choreograph, it was definitely like walking on the moon for the first time. But it wasn't . . . the butt of a mule. I was kissing a human being with a soul. And part of the magic of acting is, you harness the infinte power of belief. You know when you see the preachers down South? And they grab a beliver and they go, "Bwoom! I touch you with the hand of God!" and they believe so strongly they're on the ground shaking and spitting. And fuck's sake, that's the power of belief. Now, I don't believe in Jesus, but I believe in my performance. And if you can understand that the power of belief is one of the greatest tools of our time and that a lot of acting comes from it, you can do anything.
--Heath Ledger, on making love 0n-screen to his Brokeback Mountain co-star Jake Gyllenhaal (in a Rolling Stone interview written by David Lipsky, appearing in the March 23, 2006, edition of the magazine)

2006-03-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

He who lives without folly isn't so wise as he thinks.
--Francois de la Rochefoucauld

2006-03-17T08:29:00.000-05:00

You know, there are four words I need to hear before I go to sleep. Four little words: "Good night, sweet girl." That's all it takes. I'm easy, I know, but a guy who can muster up those four words is a guy I want to stay with.
--Andera (Uma Thurman), Beautiful Girls

2006-03-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled.
--Michael Crichton

2006-03-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.
--Trey Parker & Matt Stone, creators of South Park

2006-03-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high with the single greatest commodity known to man--promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. . . . The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.
--Paul Kirkwood (Michael Rapaport), Beautiful Girls

2006-03-10T10:09:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life?
--Dr. Addison Shepard (Kate Walsh), Grey's Anatomy, "Deny, Deny, Deny"

2006-03-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

In the Wachowski update, England is a police state ruled by Chancellor Stuler, a fear-mongering, gay-bashing, Islam-hating dictator who strips citizens of their civil rights and religious freedoms in exchange for protection from bioweapons of mass destruction. Some see parallels here to BushWorld. Come on. The chancellor. . . can't be W--he's hyperarticulate.
--Peter Travers, in his Rolling Stone review of the new Wachowski brothers movie, V for Vendetta

2006-03-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

People used to ask June Carter how she was doing, and she used to say, "I'm just trying to matter." And I know what she means. You know, I'm just trying to matter, and live a good life, and make work that means something to somebody."
--Reese Witherspoon, in her acceptance speech at the 78th Academy Awards

I would say that, you know, we are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while. I think it's probably a good thing. We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular. . . . This Academy, this group of people, gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I'm proud to be a part of this Academy. Proud to be a part of this community, and proud to be out of touch.
--George Clooney, in his acceptance speech at the 78th Academy Awards

Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
--from the movie Billy Madison, and recently used in a footnote by a Federal Judge.

2006-02-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

Real security is not knowing something when you don't know it.

Real security cannot be bought or arranged or accomplished with bombs. It is deeper. It is a process. It is the acute awareness that we are all utterly interdependent and that one action by one being in one town has consequences everywhere.

Real security is the ability to tolerate mystery, complexity, ambiguity--indeed hungering for these things.

Freedom is not knowing where you are but being deeply there.
Not waiting for someone to save or rescure you or heal your terrible past but doing that for yourself.
Not putting your flag in the ground.
Being willing to get lost.

--Eve Ensler

2006-02-25T23:35:00.000-05:00

"So far, so good, right?" Donald asks, and they're all like, "Um, yeah!" Because what choice do they have? "Good, except that your fiancee is too shiny."
--Television Without Pity recap of The Apprentice, Season 2, regarding the contestants' introduction to Donald Trump's then-fiancee Melania

2006-02-25T23:34:00.000-05:00

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
--Bill Vaughan

2006-02-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

If you wait a few minutes you can have a piece of cake. Baked it chock-full of love. Actually, it's chock-full of unrelenting, all-consuming rage and hostility, but it's still tasty.
--Dr. Isobel "Izzy" Stevens (Katherine Heigl), Grey's Anatomy, "The Self-Destruct Button"

2006-02-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

Do you know how I know it's true? I know it. And if I know it, it's true.
--Judge Judy Sheindlin

2006-02-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating--in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.
--Anne Morris

2006-02-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

You've read of the great cases in our jurisprudence, the landmarks in our law. These cases didn't come into the lawyers' offices with signs on the clients' backs saying 'I am the Dartmouth College case, I am Pennoyer v. Neff, I am Marbury v. Madison.' These cases will come into your office only as humble human beings, perhaps some of them even incapable of adequate expression. These men will be great cases only as you're able to interpret their human rights to legal remedies before a jury and as a plaintiff's lawyer makes them great.
--Melvin Belli

2006-02-06T20:42:00.000-05:00

Usually, when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, "You want some coffee?" I tell them, "No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix." I try to get things I need.
--George Carlin

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
--Doug Larson

2006-02-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

A lot of growing up takes place between "it fell" and "I dropped it."
--quoted in the magazine, Taste of Home; original source unknown

There is always an easy solution to every problem--neat, plausible, and wrong.
--H.L. Mencken; quoted by Gil Grissom (William Petersen) in the CSI episode, Chaos Theory

2006-01-30T23:12:00.000-05:00

I wonder if she wonders why I feverishly type when she is saying nothing of importance, and then stare at her when she says, "Okay, now this is really important."

--J.P. Cratty, during an Instant Message conversation occuring during class, pondering the impression we IM-ers give the professor

2006-01-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

For me, punk is about real feelings. It's not about, "Yeah, I am a punk and I'm angry." That's a lot of crap. It's about loving the things that really matter: passion, heart, and soul.

--Joey Ramone

2006-01-27T17:02:00.000-05:00

Genius might be described as a supreme capacity for getting its possessors into all kinds of trouble.
--Samuel Butler

In the trunk. With a monkey!
--Country music station 105.5's DJ's response to a co-DJ's question about where her assigned seat in a specific car would be. Because any quote dealing with monkeys is notable. Obviously.

2006-01-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

--George Carlin

2006-01-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

2006-01-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

~*~
This quote is dedicated to my Mums,
to whom I wish much laughter,
as a sign of better days to come. With love.
~*~

I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I did anything. Then one night I had a dream and an angel in black tights came to me and said, you can start anytime now. And then I asked, is this a sign? and the angel started laughing and I woke up. Now, I think the whole world is filled with signs, but if there's no laughter, I know they're not for me.

--Brian Andreas

2006-01-22T13:03:00.000-05:00

In honor of my recent blog post regarding the Golden Globes and its attendant gorgeous stars, I thought a few quotes on the subject of beauty and appearance might be in order.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, though it may be necessary, from time to time, to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
--Miss Piggy

You have to realize that [before] two hours of hair and makeup, even I don't look like Cindy Crawford.
--Cindy Crawford

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
--The Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit

The curve is more powerful than the sword.
--Mae West

People diet because they want the goodies that go with being thin: the dates, the clothes, the instant respect. I just skip the dieting and go straight for the goodies.
--Marilyn Wann

2006-01-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

As his family admired a waterfall and the natural beauty, one of the boys said, "I'd love to be fly-fishing right now." Because the best way to appreciate the wilderness is to trick it into stabbing itself in the mouth with fake food, and then suffocating it.

--Recap of an episode of The Amazing Race 8, from TVGasm

"I know what I'm doing," she says, which is probably second on the list of famous last words, right after Custer's "Where'd all these Indians come from?!"

--Recap of an episode of Lost, from TVGasm

2006-01-19T22:34:00.000-05:00

I pray for wisdom to understand my mate,
Love to forgive my mate,
And patience for my mate's moods,
Because if I pray for strength,
I'll beat my mate to death.
Amen.

--Found via a well-circulated email of relationship jokes; original source unknown

2006-01-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you got to flap your arms and leap, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be colorful and lively.

--Mel Brooks

2006-01-15T00:49:00.000-05:00

The Greatest Hits:
The Family Quotations

[NOTE: These are some of our most oft quoted, fondly remembered, heartiest laugh inducing quotes... some may be far less amusing to others than they are to the family, but nonetheless, by popular demand, here are our "Greatest Hits."]

He smashed the bejeebers out of the bug and nonchalantly went about his business.
--Dad, 05-17-1995, recounting Chaz's quick execution of a wayward bug

You really shouldn't take mustard for granted.
--Alex, 06-1995

It was supposed to be a self-portrait, but my head fell off.
--Alex, 11-22-1995, while displaying his art project, which by that time was a large piece of construction paper with a set of shoulders at the bottom... and nothing else.

I don't know a thing about reality.
--Chaz, 08-28-1996

Why would anyone pay 95 cents per minute to call a 900-number opinion poll and then choose the "I don't have an opinion about this subject" option?
--Alex, 11-24-1996

That's the fun part about knowing me--you never know what I'm gonna do!
--Grandma, 12-1996

You can feel really good about this, because this has been a really big mistake.
--Mom, 11-11-1997 (she meant to say "success" instead of mistake)

These people are dirty, and they're nasty. Do not make them angry.
--Mom, 06-20-1998, giving Alex some very good advice on social etiquette

In my infinite wisdom, I didn't think to move my underwear.
--Alex, 04-01-1999, after finding his "lost" gameboy underneath a pair of his underwear

I'm afraid I'll get too smart!
--Grandma, explaining why she stopped reading her trivia book

I could say something about this. [long pause] And I will.
--Grandma

It's all fun and games until food winds up on Mary's butt.
--Alex, 08-26-2000, after Dad somehow managed to launch a few kernels of corn, from an ear of corn he was eating, onto Mary's butt as she was sitting beside him

Once upon a time, there were two little boys who were content to play with the crap in their Grandma's closet. But now it doesn't mean diddly-dip to them, and they don't play with nothin'.
--Grandma's "fairy tale" to Chaz and Sam

What is it that you picked out and deemed unworthy to eat?
--Alex, to Chaz, 11-16-2000, after Chaz plucked a mushroom off of his salisbury steak at dinner

Now we'll hang the Canadian.
--Chaz, while decorating the Christmas tree, using poorly chosen words to indicate that he was preparing to hang the ornament of a Canadian mounty

Well, paint me pink and give me to Mary for her birthday.
--Chaz, 12-30-2000, while standing on one leg (like a flamingo)

I am the love chimp.
--Chaz, 02-11-2001

Grandma, reading from Modern Maturity magazine: 'By the age of 50, the average person has walked 75,000 miles.'
Then, speaking to us: Well, it's no wonder my legs are tired!
--03-08-2001

That's kind of affecting my soul. But not enough to do anything about it.
--Alex, 04-08-2001, upon hearing of a really cruel comment a boss made to an employee

I'm going home, going to bed, and not gonna bop it or pull it or any of that crap.
--Grandma, 04-20-2001, after being asked if it was her turn to play the Bop It game

Now don't go write that in your book; you'll never know what on earth you're talking about.
--Grandma, 05-04-2001, while the family was sitting around chatting about all my quotes and how many are from Grandma

Well, that teaches me to ooze.
--John, upon being "scolded" by Monty for ascerbically oozing bitterness

You can never sit in too much syrup.
--Chaz, 07-06-2001, having accidentally sat in syrup

I've never had brains.
--Monty, 07-22-2001, intending to convey that he'd never eaten brain

At work, when someone fucks with you, fuck back. Harder.
--Monty

Old people playing kazoos: you just don't get more entertainment than that.
--Sam, 09-15-2001, while watching the Ossian Days Parade as a local church's kazoo band passed by

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
--quoted by Chaz, original source unknown

Normally, I'm not a white person.
--Grandma, 09-29-2001, intending to convey that she's normally not a person to prefer white cake, as she usually likes chocolate better

I am the only one around here who knows anything.
--Grandma, 03-01-2003

I've been carrying this weight around my whole life. You'd think my body'd be used to it by now.
--Grandma, 05-03-2003, responding to her doctor's suggestion that some of her health complaints may be weight-related

Well, I don't know if that's really a dream... if I was gonna dream, I'd dream about something better than that.
--Grandma, regarding a prior statement that she could "only dream" about running laps around the house to wear out her coffee-induced caffeine buzz

Well, that's how I feel, and now you know that. Now let's play some cards.
--Grandpa, recounting the resolution to a disagreement he once had with a close friend

I find it very refreshing. Ow.
--Patrick, 07-10-2004, while being sprayed with the garden hose

I asked for one piece of clipart related to bowling. A big cat is not related to bowling.
--Sam, 08-05-2004, quoting the comment given to him by his computer teacher

My mom wanted to take a picture of us and I wound up with burrs in my ass.
--Sam

We were hee-hawing at the booby bar, and then wound up in a big donnybrook.
--Collaborative effort of Alex, Grandpa, and Rissa, using "Franktonian" vocabulary introduced by Jilayne ("hee-hawing" and "booby bar") and an Irish term used by Mums ("donnybrook"), 01-14-2006

2006-01-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Nadine, some things struggle when they're in the skillet, and mushroom soup subdues them.

--Grace (Brett Butler), on the tv show Grace Under Fire, explaining to her neighbor why she has 19 cans of mushroom soup in her pantry

2006-01-11T22:43:00.000-05:00

On a diet? Pity.

--billboard advertisement for the Encore Cafe in Bloomington, Indiana (and oh-so-appropriate in these days of new years resolutions to lose unrealistic amounts of weight)

2006-01-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

--Groucho Marx

2006-01-10T22:57:00.000-05:00

What you are never changes; who you are never stops changing.

--most recently heard on an episode of CSI; unsure of prior origin

2006-01-08T08:28:00.000-05:00

There are, broadly speaking, two kinds of workers in the world: the people who do all the work, and the people who think they do all the work. The latter class is generally the busiest; the former never have time to be busy.

--Stella Benson

2006-01-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

People who know how to employ themselves, always find leisure moments, while those who do nothing are forever in a hurry.

--Jeanne-Marie Roland

2006-01-07T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not smart enough to debate you point-to-point on this, but I have the feeling that about sixty percent of what you say is crap.

--David Letterman, to Bill O'Reilly

2006-01-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby, because life goes on
You keep carrying that anger; it'll eat you up inside
. . .
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak, and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore

--Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

2006-01-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

On the record, my personal view about this is that it's exceedingly rude to suggest group prayers to groups of people including ones whose religious beliefs you don't have specific reason to believe are the same as yours, unless you are in your own home and they are visiting you. I think it's rude to place strangers in the position of discussing their religious beliefs in a setting in which they are essentially asked to take a position -- (1) Participate; (2) Don't. It's just rude. If you want to thank Jesus, why can't you thank Jesus yourself? Why does everyone else have to bow their heads for your prayer to work? You want to pray before a challenge, you have plenty of time. Go. Pray. If you learn through normal conversation that other people are of the same religious persuasion you are, then you can pray along with those people, but the notion of just acting on the assumption that unless they actively object, everyone probably wants to ask Jesus for help with every challenge? That's just mind-bendingly presumptuous. And no, "Say, is it okay if we all pray before the challenge?" is not all right. Prayer is opt-in, not opt-out. Opt-out puts people in precisely the position Brian is in, where they're going to go along whether they mean it or not, and doesn't it kind of dilute your prayer to have people in it who are only going through the motions? Just remember: according to some sources, God kind of wants you to pray in private anyway.

--Recap of Survivor, from Television Without Pity

2006-01-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

Please pass the crow.

--Newscaster, the morning after the turbulent 2000 elections and the ensuing "Bush won!"... "No, wait, Gore won!" ... "Oh, wait... Bush won!" fiasco. Thought it was especially appropriate in light of the media's role in the dreadful "miscommunication" in West Virginia.

2006-01-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

There's a little bit of good in everybody. They meant well. They're just stupid.

--Grandma, commenting on a rather tacky social faux-pas committed by someone else

2006-01-03T16:16:00.000-05:00

She badly needs to abandon the false belief that everyone has equally worthy input. Some people are stupid. Identify them. Tell them not to talk anymore. It's a very good way to "streamline your process."

--Recap of The Apprentice, from Television Without Pity

2006-01-02T20:06:00.000-05:00

Now we sit through Shakespeare to recognize the quotations.

--Orson Welles